The Making of The Hobbit

Watch the video below to see behind the scenes footage of the making of The Hobbit.

Return of the Ark of the Covenant... Or something like that!

INDIANA JONES V: THE ARK OF THE COVENANT

PLOT SUMMARY

Indiana Jones, Mutt and Marion are in Shanghai trying to recover the diamond and the  ashes of Nurhachi, the first emperor of the Manchu Dynasty. They do so with the help of Short Round (still played by Jonathan Ke Quan), but something goes wrong when KGB agents show up and try to grab Indiana Jones and the group's attempt to get the diamond/ Nurhachi ashes is botched. Lao Che laughs as they leave and moves his valuables to an even more secure location.

The defeated group go to Hong Kong to re-strategize and are contacted by the CIA, who want to know why the KGB just made a 2nd attempt to raid Area 51, and despite increased security managed to secure the Ark. They accuse Indy of selling information to the Russians, but slowly lead into wanting to know who else knows about the Ark of the Covenant being in the possession of the Americans.

(Following the incident at Area 51 in Indiana Jones IV photographs reached the KGB showing what was inside the warehouse. The Ark of the Covenant is spotted amongst the photographs and the KGB contact someone (Primary Villain) in an effort to get their hands on the Ark. The Primary Villain now has the Ark, but where are they taking it?)

Indy tells them what he knows, but isn't sure how he can help them further. The group decide to travel to Egypt to visit Sallah. Short Round decides to tag along. The CIA tell Jones they will have a field agent meet him in Egypt.

Indy and the group arrive in Egypt to meet Sallah, but tempers flare when the CIA field agent turns out to be Willie Scott (who gave up singing and now works as a spy, part time). Sallah is equally confused about how the KGB managed to find the Ark and where they might be taking it. Everything is going fine until KGB agents show up and nab Indy. During the fighting Willie notices they aren't speaking Russian, they're speaking German.

Fortunately when they search the bodies of several Germans they find each of them is carrying a plane ticket to Brazil. The group disguises themselves and short on funds, takes the same plane to Brazil. Resulting in a fight on the plane, capturing several Germans and accidentally hijacking the plane to Cuba, no wait to Brazil! Near the end of the flight the Germans try to retake the plane and in the confusion the pilot and co-pilot both get shot, Marion and Willie have to work together to land the plane.

And unlike Indy, they manage to land it perfectly.

Meanwhile Indy arrives in Brazil and is trekked into the wilderness to a mansion belonging to Germans... and lots of Hitler clones running around, still children, but growing. The place belongs to the Primary Villain, who turns out to be Elsa Schneider (who survived the fall into the chasm, is now working for the KGB [and her own interests] and remembered hearing about the Ark when Indy mentioned it briefly in Venice).

But Elsa reveals she doesn't want the Ark. She says it is useless now that the Russians have nuclear weapons. Instead she offers him a deal wherein he can take the Ark back to the USA if he can lead her to a great treasure which lies deep inside the Brazilian jungle using an ancient map she has found. She believes the treasure belongs to the people of Atlantis, who hid their treasure in Brazil. (This time X does NOT mark the spot.) Elsa even tries to seduce Indy in her efforts to get him to help her, but he turns her down.

Marion, Sallah, etc follow the Germans back to the compound and try to rescue Indy, but the Nazis are better armed than they expected. Willie Scott sends a message to the CIA for reinforcements before she and others get captured. Mutt and Sallah are the only two who don't get captured. (They will later lead the CIA on a rescue mission.)

Using the captive people as a guarantee, Elsa demands Indy's help and he complies. The way to the treasure is guarded by booby traps both in the jungle surrounding it, but also within the strange structure itself.

Once in however it is revealed that Elsa wasn't after a treasure at all, but a weapon. An ancient weapon from Atlantis so powerful it makes H-bombs seem small. Indy attempts to translate it and he describes it as an "anti-matter bomb" designed to destroy the planet.

Yada yada yada, the CIA sends in the military, big fight scene, a stand off between Marion, Willie and Elsa, Indiana Jones eventually saves the day (and the planet). Elsa gets killed (this time for real) by mutating into some horrible creature before exploding.

The survivors travel back to the USA. The film ends with Willie introducing her daughter... Henrietta. Mutt is simultaneously attracted and confused.

Arathorn, Father of Aragorn: Born of Hope

Born of Hope is a fan-made short film about Arathorn, the father of Aragorn, the main hero in The Lord of the Rings. It is actually very well made for a fan-made film.

So if you're waiting anxiously for The Hobbit, here's something else you might enjoy.

Robert E. Howard's Solomon Kane

Solomon Kane 16th-century killing machine who finds his spirituality after an encounter with the Devil's own Reaper and later embarks on a mission to save the damsel in distress from an army of demonic minions.

Below is the movie trailer for Robert E. Howard's "Solomon Kane". (And in case you didn't already know, Robert E. Howard is the guy who created Conan the Barbarian.)

Legend of the Bone Knapper Dragon

If you liked the animated film "How To Train Your Dragon" then you will probably also enjoy the short film "Legend of the Bone Knapper Dragon".

The Holy Sword

The Magic Sword is an older movie from 1962. Also known as St. George and the Dragon, or St. George and the Seven Curses, the film isn't particularly well written and the actors are sorta barely above par by today's standards.

And the different accents by the various knights are hilariously bad.

However if you love clichés in old films, this one will be of interest.

Especially the sword itself if you are into Dungeons and Dragons, because the sword is essentially a "Holy Avenger" from D&D. Except that this predates D&D, which makes one wonder if this film is actually the inspiration for the Holy Avenger sword found in Dungeons and Dragons. I think it quite possibly is the inspiration, unless of course this film is based off a different sword of a holy sword which dispels evil magic.

Anyway, below is the whole film available for free from YouTube. Huzzah!

Bushido - The Warriors Way

The Code of the Samurai - Sometimes called "The Seven Virtues of the Samurai", "The Bushido Code", or "The Samurai Code of Chivalry".

In Chinese characters, Japanese Kanji, and old Korean Hanja it translates as "The Way of the Warrior", "The Warrior's Way", or "The Warrior's Code". (The Korean word is pronounced "Moosado" (무사도).

Bushido is a set of virtues that warriors/samurai from Japan, China and Korea had to live and die by. It is not solely a Japanese belief system, but common to much of Asia (but referred to by different names).

In many ways Bushido is similar to the Seven Virtues (from Christianity). It incorporates a variety of virtues like courage, sense of justice, benevolence, respectfulness, honesty, honour, loyalty, piety, fidelity, and wisdom. Many of the virtues are also found in the belief system of Confucianism, which was certainly an influence on the creation of the Bushido code.

Between the 9th and 12th centuries in Japan the warrior class was known as bushi or samurai, thus bushido basically means "way of the warrior" or "warrior's way". It was during this time period that the bushi became the ruling class of Japan until their decline and later total abolition in 1876 during the Meiji Era.

Not all warriors lived by the Bushido code, but many did and saw it as a way of life to guide all actions they did - not just in combat. The Bushido code incorporated many concepts followed by Zen Buddhism. The elite of the bushi warrior class was typically known as samurai.

Not all samurai used swords. Indeed in the early days of the samurai their preferred weapon was the Japanese bow. As the quality of Japanese swords improved however, and the art of swordplay in Japan also rose dramatically, the samurai changed their focus to use swords more often. (Due to pop culture the use of swords by samurai has since become over-emphasized.)

A samurai's loyalty to the emperor and his overlord / daimyo were unsurpassed. They were trained to be trustworthy and honest. They lived frugal lives with no interest in riches and material things, but believed in honor and pride. They were men of true valor, having no fear of death and believed that to die in battle would only bring honor to one's family and one's lord.

The actual Bushido code was passed on verbally to each new generation of samurai, but over time, seven chief virtues emerged, and became the written form of Bushido. Please note that variations of this list exist, as some people use different Kanji or have 8 or 9 tenets.

The Seven Virtues of the Bushido Code

(Korean and Chinese pronunciation in brackets)

Note: I have included all 10 from various versions of the Bushido Code.

Gi - Justice / Rectitude / Right Decision (의, yi)

Isamu - Bravery / Courage (용, yong)

Jin - Benevolence (인, ren)

Rei - Respect / Gratitude (례 or 예, li)

Makoto - Honesty / Confidence (성, cheng)

Meiyo - Honour / Respectful (명예, ming yu)

Chuujitsu - Loyalty / Devotion (none)

Kou - Filial Piety / Respect for Elders (효, xiao)

Shin - Honesty / Fidelity (신, xin)

Chi/Tomo - Wisdom / Resourcefulness (지, zhi)

Title	Characters  Simplified Traditional	Japanese Romaji (Romanized Japanese)	Various forms of Romanized Chinese
Bushido / The Way of the Samurai	武士道 武士道	bushido	wǔ shì dào wu shi dao wu shih tao	wu3 shi4 dao4 wushidao
Justice / Rectitude / Right Decision	义 義	gi	yì yi i	yi4 yi
Bravery / Courage	勇 勇	isamu / yu- isamu/yu-	yǒng yong yung	yong3 yong
Benevolence	仁 仁	jin	rén ren jen	ren2 ren
Respect	礼 禮	rei	lǐ li	li3 li
Honesty	诚 誠	makoto	chéng cheng ch`eng	cheng2 cheng cheng cheng
Honour	名誉 名譽	meiyo	míng yù ming yu ming yü	ming2 yu4 mingyu
Loyalty / Faithful / Devoted	忠実 忠實	chuujitsu chujitsu	n/a
Filial Piety	孝 孝	kou ko	xiào xiao hsiao	xiao4 xiao
Honesty / Fidelity	信 信	shin	xìn xin hsin	xin4 xin
Wisdom	智 智	chi / tomo chi/tomo	zhì zhi chih	zhi4 zhi

Cthulu Party Food

The Nerdiest Foods you can Make

Yes, you could make a Darth Vader cake or even a cake in the shape of the Starship Enterprise... but baking a cake isn't exactly nerdy by itself.

What I am talking about is not so much the shape or decoration of the food (although I admit d20 dice shaped cookies rock)... No wait I am talking about is some serious foodstuffs that only a real "food nerd" would try and make.

For example anyone can make spaghetti. But you would have to be really into pasta and a tad nerdy to want to go through the extra effort required to make lasagna... and then maybe decorate it to look like the Millenium Falcon.

Do you see my point?

You see my definition of "nerdy food" is not hot pockets, grilled cheese sandwiches, Ritz crackers, junk food, Pop Tarts, Ramen noodles or string cheese. I realize that some people out there have a different definition that nerdy food is basically any food that requires very little preparation time and can be consumed easily by someone glued to a computer screen 24/7.

NO!

My definition of nerdy food is something COMPLICATED TO MAKE and would require significant effort on the part of the "food nerd" making it... and then upping the ante a bit.

For example I once attended a somewhat nerdy dinner party where every dish on the table was SWEDISH. Right down to the pureed pea soup and caribou cutlets with a special Swedish sauce. The meal evidently took effort to make.

I will give you another example...

Luca the Chef, makes what he calls "Mediterrasian Food" (and he also teaches Italian cooking lessons in Toronto). Its basically just a mix of Mediterranean and Asian food. It sounds tasty (and nerdy) I must admit.

Now I can't see many "regular nerds" taking private cooking lessons, but there are probably quite a few "food nerds" who would be interested in cooking lessons in Toronto.

But then once you've learned how to cook Italian or "Mediterrasian Food" then your real challenge is... can you decorate it to look like the Babylon 5 space station???

My point is that nerd food isn't something you should go out and buy. Anyone can stick a Hot Pocket in the microwave.

But it takes effort and some Nerd Power to make noodles, rice and veggies to look like a Wookie!

Korgoth of Barbaria

Korgoth of Barbaria is a pilot TV episode for what is essentially a Conan the Barbarian show, but a lot more adult humour than the "Conan the Adventurer" cartoon series from 1992 which was made for children. Created by the same group of people who make Samurai Jack, Dexter's Laboratory, SpongeBob SquarePants and Metalocalypse only 1 episode was ever made because it was considered "too expensive".

However if you watch the pilot episode (above) you will see the production value was the same as other cartoons so it would have been roughly the same price. It seems more likely that the "too expensive" concept is just an excuse and there might be a different reason why it wasn't made.

The pilot episode first aired in the USA on June 3rd, 2006 at 12:30 AM (EST) on Adult Swim.

Korgoth (voiced by actor Diedrich Bader) is essentiallyy a parody of Conan the Barbarian and sword and sorcery stereotypes in general. The show is set in a post-apocalyptic world where sorcery and the remnants of technology exist simultaneously, similar to Thundarr the Barbarian. Even the music (heavy metal/thrash metal) is a parody of fantasy magazines like "Heavy Metal".

Despite repeated attempts by fans of the pilot episode executives are mum on the topic of ever making more episodes of the show or even a film.

The Hobbit - Coming December 2012

ITS COMING!

In December 2012 the first of the two-part upcoming epic fantasy-adventure films will be released:

The Hobbit: An Unexpected Journey

The 2nd film, The Hobbit: There and Back Again, will be released in December 2013.

A selection of the cast from The Lord of the Rings is returning for the film.

GM Advanced back window TECH

Got backseat boredom? DVD players and Game Boys are so five years ago, but a new concept in rear seat entertainment technology that uses the windows themselves could replace squirminess and snoozing with interactive scribbling, sweeping and pinching.

GM Research & Development team put that challenge before researchers and students from the FUTURE LAB at Bezalel Academy of Art and Design in Israel.

The task: Conceptualize new ways to help rear seat passengers, particularly children, have a richer experience on the while driving.

The Windows of Opportunity Project was inspired by psychological studies indicating car passengers often feel disconnected from their environment, GM asked the Bezalel students to turn car windows into interactive displays capable of stimulating awareness, nurturing curiosity and encouraging a stronger connection with the world outside the vehicle.

“Traditionally, the use of interactive displays in cars has been limited to the driver and front passenger, but we see an opportunity to provide a technology interface designed specifically for rear seat passengers,” said Tom Seder, GM R&D lab group manager for human-machine interface. “Advanced windows that are capable of responding to vehicle speed and location could augment real world views with interactive enhancements to provide entertainment and educational value.”

Since General Motors has no immediate plans to put interactive display windows into production vehicles, the R&D team gave free reign to the Bezalel students to create applications without concern whether they could be mass produced. Bezalel is Israel’s oldest institute of higher education and one of the more prestigious schools of its kind in the world today

Holographic TVs Good or Bad?

Since the first time I saw Star Wars and that iconic scene where R2D2 projects Princess Leia as a holographic video to Luke, I have been waiting for this to become an everyday reality. I saw this video from the BBC a while back and it promises us that the technology is here and we are at the fine tuning point. I think as an alternative to the current 3D TV options I would be willing to give Holographic TV a chance. The video below is from BBC’s (video below) program with Spencer Kelly who explains the state of play of Holographic TV.

Troll Hunter, a surprisingly AWESOME movie

I found this Norwegian film (dubbed into English) accidentally on YouTube. From a nerd perspective "Troll Hunter" is actually a really AWESOME movie.

I used to have the English dub of the film posted up here, but apparently it got removed from YouTube. Here is the trailer instead. [Update Jan. 2020: The trailer got removed from YouTube so I found a different version of the trailer.]




Update January 2020:

Good news... I found a new copy of the film on YouTube, with English subtitles.

It will probably be removed from YouTube eventually, but for now people can enjoy the whole film.

The Nerd Food Pyramid

According to popular culture nerds don't know how to eat healthy...

Because if nerds knew how to eat healthy, then they'd possibly turn into jocks...?

I found this image online and it depicts "nerd food" as being largely carbohydrates - which is fattening and therefore nerds have high energy, but put on the weight easily. Ergo, most nerds who eat like this are likely very overweight.

Being a bit of a "health nerd" myself I eat quite a bit of healthy food, so to me this kind of stuff is largely a stereotype.

Rule #34: George Takei and John Wayne

You may not know this but George Takei also starred in The Green Berets with mega-celebrity John Wayne (best known for his westerns).

And apparently there was a little love action going on... just kidding.

The following is The Original 36 Rules of the Internet

1. Do not talk about /b/
2. Do NOT talk about /b/
3. We are Anonymous.
4. Anonymous is legion.
5. Anonymous does not forgive, Anonymous does not forget.
6. Anonymous can be horrible, senseless, uncaring monster.
7. Anonymous is still able to deliver.
8. There are no real rules about posting.
9. There are no real rules about moderation either — enjoy your ban.
10. If you enjoy any rival sites — DON'T.
11. You must have pictures to prove your statement.
12. Lurk moar — it's never enough.
13. Nothing is Sacred.
14. Do not argue with a troll — it means that they win.
15. The more beautiful and pure a thing is, the more satisfying it is to corrupt it.
16. There are NO girls on the internet.
17. A cat is fine too.
18. One cat leads to another.
19. The more you hate it, the stronger it gets.
20. It is delicious cake. You must eat it.
21. It is delicious trap. You must hit it.
22. /b/ sucks today.
23. Cock goes in here.
24. You will never have sex.
25. ????
26. PROFIT!
27. It needs more Desu. No exceptions.
28. There will always be more fucked up shit than what you just saw.
29. You can not divide by zero (just because the calculator says so).
30. No real limits of any kind apply here — not even the sky
31. CAPSLOCK IS CRUISE CONTROL FOR COOL.
32. EVEN WITH CRUISE CONTROL YOU STILL HAVE TO STEER.
33. Desu isn't funny. Seriously guys. It's worse than Chuck Norris jokes.
34. There is porn of it. No exceptions.
35. If no porn is found of it, it will be created.
36. No matter what it is, it is somebody's fetish. No exceptions.

Music transforms the world after work!

Its another day the daily grin and your off work d and its time to go home, get on the subway.
I saw this and I thought how Great There love for this is.

I love classical music and I absolutely love that people would do this.

It turns a daily grind commute into something magical.

Music transforms the world and gladdens the spirit.

To all musicians who take the time and effort to bring the world Joyful noise.

Virgin Galactic's New Astronaut

Hello have you ever wanted to go into Space, Dreamed of the Zero G,
Well one Man has made this dream Come true, with a Company called VIRGIN GALACTIC
Check it out in video Above.

Cookie Monster in AD&D

I blame this latest bit of photoshop inspiration on the people who keep bringing cookies to our AD&D game every Friday. We should advertise for more players by saying FREE COOKIES!

In other news if any AD&D players in Toronto are looking for a game please email charlesmoffat@charlesmoffat.com if you are interested in playing in my Stone Age Dungeons and Dragons Campaign every Friday night.

Fantasy World Maps: Westeros + Hyboria

Maps of fantasy worlds can be quite interesting if you're into that sort of thing. Here is two of my favourites:

Westeros, the world from Game of Thrones (A Song of Ice and Fire) and also Hyboria, the world of Conan the Barbarian.

Westeros Maps

Harry Potter Maps

Star Trek Maps

Fantasy Maps of Barsoom and Springfield

Who are the Best Fantasy Authors?

You probably expect the list of best fantasy authors to be those brilliant authors that created the popular fantasy novels. And you would be absolutely correct. However this list is different.

What I've done is also take into account influence on the fantasy genre and storytelling skill. Thus this is not a list of who is the most popular. Its a list of the greats when it comes to the craft.

1. Robert E. Howard


Howard was the creator of Conan the Barbarian and by this also the Sword & Sorcery genre. Because of this, he has had enormous effect on the fantasy genre as many authors and directors were influenced by the character Conan and his story. Sadly, Robert E. Howard committed suicide aged only 30.


2. David Eddings


David Eddings is a great author, but he suffers from a flaw many authors do. They make it too easy for the hero. The stories are great, but the odds are always stacked in his heroes favour. Its not a challenge for the heroes to defeat their foes. You enjoy the great plots, the lovable characters... but eventually you feel disappointed because the hero doesn't really overcome any true trials.


3. Dave Duncan


David Eddings should take lessons from Dave Duncan. His characters get beaten up regularly. They suffer, often due to bad luck. Duncan's heroes eventually persevere however and the reader feels elated because everything comes to fruition in the climax and the baddies get their just desserts. His books are also exceptionally entertaining and quirky.


4. Margaret Weis & Tracy Hickman


Creators of the extremely popular Dragonlance series. These two work better as a team than apart. Lovable characters, interesting plot twists, realistic and heroic deaths. They bring the world alive and keep you coming back for more.


5. Charles Moffat


Moffat's works include the Lilith Bloodstone Series, the Adventures of Wrathgar, and his Wulfric the Wanderer stories. His work encompasses Dark Fantasy, Heroic Fantasy, and Sword and Sorcery. What makes his work so special? Most of his works take place in the fictional kingdom of Korovia, with overlapping storyline, the same locations used in different book, and a multitude of reappearing characters.


Read more about Charles Moffat

6.  J. K. Rowling


Creator of the extremely popular Harry Potter series Rowling also has the problem of making it too easy for her heroes. She hands everything to Harry on a silver platter. Super powerful wand, invisibility cloak, the ability to fly on a broom really well... Its too much! Oh and allies to watch his back and they are always conveniently there or he is lucky. (Literally, a luck potion in the one book.) Her skill at writing however is impressive and the combined storyline of Harry Potter shows severe planning in advance so that all the details came together.


7. George R.R. Martin


Longwinded but brilliant. Martin has created a fresh, new fantasy world, written great stories and unbelievable writing skills. His Song of Ice & Fire is well on its way of becoming one of the greatest fantasy series ever and now a television series, called Games of Thrones, has been made of A Song of Ice & Fire. But please, someone make him write just a little bit faster! (* He really should stop editing his own works. He needs to hire an editor who can skip over the descriptions of food and clothing.)


8. J.R.R. Tolkien


Tolkien’s writing style may not the most accessible ever, although personally I do not dislike his elaborative style, but he is one of the greatest authors ever. The world and stories he created are fantastic and by writing The Hobbit and The Lord of the Rings he simply is the most influential fantasy writer ever.


9. Steven Erikson


Contrary to Martin, Steven Erikson writes like the devil himself is on his heels. I do not know another writer who writes this intense on such an epic scale. He is close to finishing his fantastic Malazan Book of the Fallen series. Hopefully, Erikson has something in mind after this.


10. Terry Pratchett


What a laugh! His stories are brilliantly written and highly entertaining. Considered to be one of the greatest British novelists, sir Terry Pratchett has already written close to forty of his very humorous and highly acclaimed Discworld novels.


11. Stephen King


Definitely not an author of high fantasy like the authors in this list, but most of his books have fantasy elements, with The Dark Tower as best example. Stephen King simply is one of the greatest writers ever.


12. Raymond E. Feist


I would not go as far as qualifying him as a genius but Feist has written many, many fantasy books and several of his series are a must-read for fantasy fans with The Riftwar Saga as his best known series.. As his books introduced me to the fantasy genre, Feist has deserved his spot in this list.


13. Robert Jordan


May he rest in peace. Robert Jordan is the author of the highly acclaimed Wheel of Time series but has not been able to finalize the series before he died in 2007. I hope that Brandon Sanderson will honor him by writing a fitting end to the series.


14. Stephen R. Donaldson


His books are not an easy read but Donaldson writes very intense and his stories have great depth and loads of morality. Known for his Chronicles of Thomas Covenant (the unbeliever), his world and characters are seen by some as rivaling those of Tolkien’s.


15. Robin Hobb


Robin Hobb is a great storyteller and has proven to be very good in developing strong and believable characters in her books. Especially her Farseer and Liveship Traders series are therefore highly recommendable.


16. Ursula K. Le Guin


By writing the Earthsee series, and many other novels, Ursula K. Le Guin has had a large influence on the development of the fantasy genre during the 20th century. The series has been and still is very popular and a television mini-series was even made, loosely based on Earthsee. (I personally hate her because I think her storytelling borders on the childish and lame.)

17. Terry Goodkind

He is definitely not my personal favorite but Terry Goodkind’s Sword of Truth series is highly acclaimed and very popular. It even has been turned into the television series Legend of the Seeker but unfortunately the series has been canceled.

Parkland High in Allentown, PA = Millenium Falcon

The following is a Google map screenshot for Parkland High in Allentown, Pennsylvania...

Is it just me or does it look like the Millennium Falcon?

Five Amusing Nerd Foods

Domo Toaster and Toast

Super Mario Radishes

Candy DNA Model

Cthulhu Sandwiches

Game of Thrones on a Stick

The Relationship Agreement for the Modern Nerd

"The Relationship Agreement" is a reference to the TV show "The Big Bang Theory". If you haven't seen it the show focuses on 4 nerdy physicists and their sometimes-nerdy girlfriends. The Relationship Agreement itself is the contract the character Sheldon drew up after he and Amy became boyfriend and girlfriend. It consists of 31 pages and contains such things as:

Section four: "Booboos and ouchies", which states that Amy must help Sheldon when he has a small injury, like a splinter.

Section five: "Handholding", which states that "Handholding is only allowed under the following circumstances: A, either party is in danger of falling off of a cliff, precipice or ledge. B, either party is deserving of a hearty handshake after winning a nobel prize. C, moral support during flu shots."



HOWEVER, that relationship agreement is really the result of Sheldon's paranoia about personal touching, egomania and his difficulty to emotionally bond with others.

What is really needed is a relationship agreement for modern people (including nerds) which outlines how a couple should treat each other and various expectations of how an ideal relationship should work.

Thus I have created (for fun) the following 31 Section Relationship Agreement for the Modern Couple

Section One: Communication

Communication is highly encouraged, but each partner should always be aware that space and privacy is sometimes required in instances where one partner needs to work, is feeling creativity, needs to think and so forth. Partners should refrain from calling, texting or emailing constantly and should make an effort to give the other person space after the initial "honeymoon" part of the relationship is over.

Section Two: Hugging

Hugging shall occur whenever saying hello and goodbye, when one partner is feeling sad or depressed or in grief, or when a celebratory hug is expected.

Section Three: Kissing

Kissing should occur within the first two dates. After that it is a free-for-all, although sometimes kissing will be refrained during an illness or infection.

Section Four: Booboos and Ouchies

Each partner shall be responsible for helping the other when injured, sick or infected. Exceptions: Zombie infection means the other partner is responsible for decapitating the infected zombie. Other exceptions include alien metamorphosis, mutations which threaten the safety of mankind, becoming a vampire and demonic possession.

Section Five: Handholding

Handholding should occur whenever a couple is walking together outside, watching a scary or romantic movie, feeling romantic or cuddling. Handholding may also occur when one or both partners are feeling troubled or grieving.

Section Six: Sex

Sex should occur by the 3rd date, no later. Three dates = Sex. Afterwards sex should occur on an at least weekly basis, more often if a couple is a committed relationship and are living together. Variety and kink is up to the couple to discuss and decide.

Section Seven: Birth Control

There are three standard methods of birth control. Choose at least one. A. The Pill; B. Condoms; C. The male pulling out before he gets close. Contraceptive methods should be discussed and agreed upon before intercourse begins.

Section Eight: Having Children

Having children should be discussed and agreed upon by both partners before any deliberate efforts to have children is made. Once the decision to have children has been agreed upon ignore Section Seven.

Section Nine: Existing Children

If one or both of the partners already has a child or children both partners have the responsibility to: A. Treat the children with care and respect; B. Properly discipline their children for misbehaviour; C. Take steps to insure the child or children are happy with the relationship (this does not include bribery, but instead should include emotional bonding).

Section Ten: Moving In Together

If a couple has been together for 3 or more months and if both partners have been sleeping together routinely the subject of moving in together should be broached. If both partners agree they should proceed to either: A. Move into one of their existing homes; B. Find a new home and both move in to the new place.

Section Eleven: Household Chores

Dividing up household chores should be openly discussed and decided upon. Its best to make a list and a schedule. Once the agreement is made each partner is responsible for their own chores and also the manner in which they do it. The other partner should refrain from nagging or complaining about the quality or quantity of how well or how often the other partner achieves their chores. ie. Dishes do not have to be up to "Aunt Edna's Spotless Standards" and partners should smile and bear it when eating food that is slightly burnt or "doesn't taste spicy enough".

Section Twelve: Cleanliness

Clean up after yourself. If you made the mess, you clean it up. Exceptions: If in the list of household chores one partner has agreed to make supper if the other partner agreed to wash the dishes, then ignore this section.

Section Thirteen: Personal Hygiene

Each partner is responsible for bathing at least once per day, washing their hands before and after meals, and brushing their teeth after meals, before sex and before bedtime. Exceptions: Quickies or when personal hygiene products are unavailable.

Section Fourteen: Cheating

Cheating will not be tolerated. Cheating = The End of the Relationship. Fini. Final. Done and over. If you cheated, confess and end the relationship. On rare occasions the couple may decide to stay together because they truly love each other and it is more complicated than mere infidelity, but otherwise cheating is an instant relationship breaker.

Section Fifteen: Lies

Little lies are okay. Such as lying about not giving the other partner a surprise birthday party. Big lies that ruin the relationship will not be tolerated. ie. "What do you mean you lied about not still loving your ex and that you've been hanging out with them lately?"

Section Sixteen: Relationship Shenanigans

Playing mental mind games, two-timing, giving the Silent Treatment and other shenanigans are all signs that you are immature and not ready for a committed relationship. Little kids give the Silent Treatment. If you can't communicate openly and honestly then the relationship is over.

Section Seventeen: Discussing Marriage

Discussing marriage on a serious level should only occur AFTER the couple is living together or has been in a serious long term relationship for over 6 months. Mentioning marriage while discussing relationships or someone else's wedding doesn't count. A marriage discussion will consist of spontaneously bringing the topic up and directly the discuss the possibility of both partners getting "hooked up permanently".

Section Eighteen: Relationship Hiccups

Arguments happen. Get over them. Don't keep bringing old arguments up again and again. Once the initial argument is done, regardless of whether it ended with an agreement at least come to an understanding that the other person does NOT have to agree with you. Forgive. Forget. Move on.

Section Nineteen: Relationship Interference

If family members, friends, etc. are trying to interfere in your relationship ask yourself the following: Is your partner genuinely nice? Do they treat you well? Have they ever physically harmed you? Does your friend or family member concerned you are in an abusive relationship? If so, take their advice and leave. If however you are being treated well and have no suffered any physical violence then your relationship is fine and your friend / family member is just sticking their nose where it doesn't belong.

Section Twenty: Being Virtuous

Both partners agree to focus on being nice, humble, generous to each other (within reason), to not steal or lie from the other, to not abuse the relationship in any way, shape or form, to practice self-control, be diligent and steadfast to their partner, be loyal and patient, and to pursue honesty and respect for each other.

Section Twenty-One: Lust

The only lust in a loving relationship should be for each other.

Section Twenty-Two: Insults

Both partners agree to not insult each other deliberately. If they do they should apoligize for their insults. Unintentional insults should be easy to forgive. Intentional insults should be discussed and forgiven within a reasonable time frame (holding it over the other person is Relationship Shenanigans).

Section Twenty-Three: Domestic Abuse

If one partner physically abuses the other (or a child) the relationship is over. Done. Leave as soon as possible and call the police. Even if you don't press charges, at least get it recorded in case it ever happens again to you or someone else.

Section Twenty-Four: Showing you Care

When one partner does something nice or special for you then you should show appreciation. Hugs, kisses, thank you cards, quickies, doing something nice for them in return are all acceptable means of showing you care.

Section Twenty-Five: Addictions

If one partner has an addiction (to anything) which is threatening the health of the relationship then the other partner is obligated to express concern, discuss the problem and if necessary do an intervention by getting friends and family involved. Patience and diligence is required and the addicted partner needs to make a serious effort to combat their addiction. If the addiction reaches a point wherein the relationship is falling apart both partners should consider ending it immediately.

Section Twenty-Six: Long Distance Travel

If one of the partners is going to be traveling or living farther away for long periods of time a deliberate effort needs to made by both partners to keep the flow of communication going. Daily emails, regular phone calls, Skype and other ways are communicating are all available. Failure to do so can lead to mistrust, miscommunication and sour the relationship.

Section Twenty-Seven: Humour

Both partners agree to have a sense of humour and not go overboard with sarcasm. It is one thing to be sarcastic and another to be outright insulting, bitter and even bully the other person by going too far. Even the most patient people with a sense of humour cannot be expected to endure constant insults and put-downs.

Section Twenty-Eight: Marriage

Marriage should be no different than the relationship with one exception: You can't just call it quits on short notice. Even if you encounter difficulties you are expected to try and work through them. Exceptions to this are: Domestic violence, abuse, addictions, cheating and huge lies.

Section Twenty-Nine: Break Ups / Divorce

Whenever possible try to break up in person. Breaking up via the phone, email or even text message seems cowardly but sometimes it is the only way if the breaker feels extremely umcomfortable meeting and breaking up in person. In the case of divorce you MUST do this in person (possible with a lawyer or police present in the event you are worried about domestic violence).

Section Thirty: After the Break Up

Try to be civil to each other. Being bitter isn't going to make you happy. Forgive and forget. It may take you awhile to stop feeling bitter, but try to remember that the feeling will go away given time and the sooner it goes away the sooner you won't remember their middle name.

Section Thirty-One: Getting Back Together

Hey, it can happen, but don't count your chickens until they hatch. Ask them how they are doing. If they respond positively and ask about seeing you again / mention thinking about you lately that is your cue to ask them out. If they don't mention anything like that then they're just not interested.

Arnold Schwarzenegger playing Dungeons & Dragons

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